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Thursday, March 21, 2013

50 Shades of Bitch: a love story!

Chapter 1:

And she entered the kitchen in her super sexy Christmas pj bottoms (although it was March and there were paint stains on them....and maybe a hole in the crotchery area....I told you they were the sexy ones!)

She said in an ultra sexy, loud (ok screaming) voice to her husband, "you better do those dishes."

The man lovingly looked at his adorable wife and said "ok, what's the deal? I help you, you "help me" (wink, wink). The wife giggled, "ok, you're right, fair is fair."

Seeing the twinkle in his eye, she convinced him she needed a bubble bath.... "to shave my legs, dear." She also reminded him to watch the kids and make sure they do their homework, while she ran to the bathroom locking the door.

The luxury, expensive bubbles she "invested" in where noted to be poured down the drain while the empty bottle remained in the bath tub appearing to be sighing, "hahaha" to her. She wasn't going to let this ruin her incredibly good mood (she filled her Prozac prescription earlier in the day). She dumped some cheap shampoo in the tub and turned on the water. Nothing but cold, chilly water. Great.

She left the bathroom, running naked into her bedroom (she never plans in advance to bring clothes or a robe in the bathroom). The hubby gently pushed her out of the way yelling he has to "use the bathroom."

The beautiful, smart children she birthed where overheard yelling and fighting. She did her best to tune them out. She wasn't letting them ruin her peace (namaste, bitches!).

The wife sat on the bed, to await the water to have the ability to present itself in a luke warm manner.

The husband came out, warned her to avoid the second bathroom and that they were now out of toilet paper. He told her he was about done with the dishes and the kids would be getting ready for bed was almost bow chicka-wow-wow time.

Great, no shaving, dirty pj bottoms back on and...I'm just gonna lay down here for a few---yawn-- seconds.

Fast forward the approximately 5 minutes it took for her to pass out.
(ok 2 hours later). The hub comes to bed, children are still heard giggling, awake at a God-forsaken hour (tomorrow morning will be super fun getting the kids up for school...and even earlier because homework needs done still).

Hub is looking with that look...says the "hey woman" line that he thinks is his way of Sexy talk. The wife attempts to open her eyes, although she forgot to take out her contacts and her eyes seem glued shut.

He then proceeds to tell her..."hey, a deals, a deal.....".

She then awakens fully and then states "you're right, fair is fair. Fair is sharing the chores in a day when....."

She then proceeded to remind him of the dinner she made, the kids she ran place to place, the cat litter she changed, the dog puke she cleaned up, the garbage she took out, the laundry she did, the floors she scrubbed, the bills she paid, the phone calls for appointments she made. All while juggling getting some hours of actual paid employment in.

The hubby at this point turned over and was snoring, while the beautiful, sexy wife continued to talk. She stopped, looked at him and then laid awake...thinking of all the things that needed done tomorrow. She'll add shaving and sex to that list.

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