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Friday, March 29, 2013

Fess Up Friday.

It's that day of the week again. Fess up's are hard for me because I'm pretty open about everything in my life (including posts about my vagina and my husband's lack of willingness to snip the nut-sack!).

So after much thought this is all I got:

If my house is a mess I go into total bitch I'm gonna chop someone's heads off nuts. It's not like my house is spotless. I have kids and animals and an intact vas deferens husband. But once I get in a mood, I totally go all ape-shit about getting the house straightened up. I'm like the opposite of a hoarder....I will throw out everything in a room to just have a clean space if needed.

That's it this week...pathetic, I know. Do you go crazy when your house is messy? Please tell me I'm not the only one!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

3/24/13 weekly reflections


1. All the missing pets on FB makes me sad.
2. Vitamins make your pee extra yellow (tmi??)
3. My things to do list keep getting longer and nothing is getting crossed off.
4. When enduring winter weather, one should be free of skunk smell-it's the only good thing.
5. Before you put a deer in your trunk: Make sure it's dead.

6. We turned off our house phone because we never use it. Then I realized this week the only thing I ever used it for was to call my cell phone when it is lost.

That's it for the week. What are some of your reflections? Share!!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Fess Up Friday: judge my parenting?!

If you think you suck as a parent:

BPA present sippy cups, canned vegetables , fast food eating,
artificial coloring, artificial sweetners, non-organic, breast and bottle feed (just to totally confuse), adhered to gender specific toys and clothing (including the cutey shorts that had things like "cutie" and "princess" smack dab on the girl child's butt), stopped at 2 kids so the hubby and I could divide and conquer, worked rather than stayed at home, let the kids watch tv that had no educational value, play video games (including the violent ones because the hubby said "they're not that bad"), listen to unedited music (with "f" bombs dropping left and right), Went on "mommy weekends away" just to escape parenthood, left the kids in daycare an extra hour so I could grocery shop in peace, called off work to stay home and nap, took the kids into school late in my pj's and slippers, I'm a yelling mom and even have smacked bums (and a professional parenting instructor) the moral of this fess-up: my kids are still alive, so I must have done something right!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

50 Shades of Bitch: a love story!

Chapter 1:

And she entered the kitchen in her super sexy Christmas pj bottoms (although it was March and there were paint stains on them....and maybe a hole in the crotchery area....I told you they were the sexy ones!)

She said in an ultra sexy, loud (ok screaming) voice to her husband, "you better do those dishes."

The man lovingly looked at his adorable wife and said "ok, what's the deal? I help you, you "help me" (wink, wink). The wife giggled, "ok, you're right, fair is fair."

Seeing the twinkle in his eye, she convinced him she needed a bubble bath.... "to shave my legs, dear." She also reminded him to watch the kids and make sure they do their homework, while she ran to the bathroom locking the door.

The luxury, expensive bubbles she "invested" in where noted to be poured down the drain while the empty bottle remained in the bath tub appearing to be sighing, "hahaha" to her. She wasn't going to let this ruin her incredibly good mood (she filled her Prozac prescription earlier in the day). She dumped some cheap shampoo in the tub and turned on the water. Nothing but cold, chilly water. Great.

She left the bathroom, running naked into her bedroom (she never plans in advance to bring clothes or a robe in the bathroom). The hubby gently pushed her out of the way yelling he has to "use the bathroom."

The beautiful, smart children she birthed where overheard yelling and fighting. She did her best to tune them out. She wasn't letting them ruin her peace (namaste, bitches!).

The wife sat on the bed, to await the water to have the ability to present itself in a luke warm manner.

The husband came out, warned her to avoid the second bathroom and that they were now out of toilet paper. He told her he was about done with the dishes and the kids would be getting ready for bed was almost bow chicka-wow-wow time.

Great, no shaving, dirty pj bottoms back on and...I'm just gonna lay down here for a few---yawn-- seconds.

Fast forward the approximately 5 minutes it took for her to pass out.
(ok 2 hours later). The hub comes to bed, children are still heard giggling, awake at a God-forsaken hour (tomorrow morning will be super fun getting the kids up for school...and even earlier because homework needs done still).

Hub is looking with that look...says the "hey woman" line that he thinks is his way of Sexy talk. The wife attempts to open her eyes, although she forgot to take out her contacts and her eyes seem glued shut.

He then proceeds to tell her..."hey, a deals, a deal.....".

She then awakens fully and then states "you're right, fair is fair. Fair is sharing the chores in a day when....."

She then proceeded to remind him of the dinner she made, the kids she ran place to place, the cat litter she changed, the dog puke she cleaned up, the garbage she took out, the laundry she did, the floors she scrubbed, the bills she paid, the phone calls for appointments she made. All while juggling getting some hours of actual paid employment in.

The hubby at this point turned over and was snoring, while the beautiful, sexy wife continued to talk. She stopped, looked at him and then laid awake...thinking of all the things that needed done tomorrow. She'll add shaving and sex to that list.

37 reasons to like being 37!

37 reasons I am happy I am

1. One great, supportive husband.
2. Two healthy, smart kids.
3. God, that watches over me and points me in the direction I need to go and shows me a sign when I most need it.
4. My parents.
5. My brother and his family.
6. Rich's parent's and siblings and their families.
7. My 2 dogs.
8. My 2 cats.
9. My 6 chickens.
10. Our home
11. Neighbors that double as friends.
12. Great friends that I could call at any time of day and they'd be there.
13. A large family that is close and always just a phone call away.
14. The knowledge of a strong family history.
15. Pictures! Old and new.
16. My job, which pays my bills and is flexible enough to let me be a mom first and foremost.
17. Southwestern PA and her beauty of 4 distinct seasons.
18. Southmoreland school district and it's educators that taught me and now my children.
19. Our busy lives. Our kids involvement in activities which keep them and us happy.
20. Bunco! Love that I found new friends!
21. Crafty genes that were passed down to me.
22. Girl Scouts, which was with me as a child and now allows me to have my child in it. It also has given me new friends and great kiddos to lead.
23. A liberal, open minded way of thinking.
24. A great, supportive boss and colleagues.
25. Painting: which keeps me sane.
26. Prozac: which also keeps me sane!
27. Birth control options, which keeps me from going all 'Michelle Duggar'.
28. A blog. I suck at scrapbooking so this is the next best thing.
29. A vehicle that holds all our crap. The swagger wagon rocks.
30. My iPhone. How else would I survive 4 hr supervised visits?!
31. Facebook. Helped me connect to old friends and out of town family. Cuz' lets face it. I have no time to talk or mail letters!
32. College: for the education and extra curricular fun I experienced.
33. The invention of texting: easier to avoid those phone calls I hate!
34. The materialistic inventions that help a gal out!! (hello spanx and microwaves!!)
35. The abilities to let go of all those materialistic goodies and get back to basics (ie: camping and gardening).
36. Make up and hair products. It takes a lot to whip this look together. You beg to differ: come over Saturday mornings.
37. A 37th year to live, breathe, and be alive.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A letter about private parts to my husband.

To my dearest husband,

So you will not have this conversation in person because you stick your fingers in your ears and go all "blah, blah...stop're making my balls hurt thinking about it....blahhhhhhhhhhhhh".
So....... I'm forced to put it on the Internet and let the whole world have this conversation with you.
I can't wait to see you get all squirmy over Easter dinner when my mother brings it up.... Just try to stick your fingers in your ears then....Carl won't tolerate that shiz!

So my dear, it's time for the ol' snip, snip. Remember back almost 11 years when the boy child was born. How perfect he was. Now lets venture a guess how he entered this wonderful world. Picture this...first time epidural....over 2 hours of pushing....blood pressure through the roof (mine, not yours stupid, no one monitors yours while I'm doing ALL the work)....pushed so hard I had 2 black eyes and burst blood vessels in my eyes. Remembering any of this, dear? Over 2 hours of freakin' minuscule chips of ice (while you enjoyed your caffeine ladden Mountain Dew, need I remind you I quit drinking all caffeine (and no alcohol or fun prescriptions for over 9 months))........remember the blown out va-jay-jay? Stitches front to back and internal to repair that mess????
Remember the ol' hee-hee...add a couple extra snitches to my doctor joke (yeah, still not funny....and my female family members are now getting pissed!!)

Shall I fast forward 3+ years to girl child birth when I refused drugs again while birthing??? When I pushed so fast and hard she tore me up? Add a nice amount of stitches again.... My nether regions has had more stitches then a gun shot victim....

So dear husband.......
I'm on my second IUD.......
I'm not going for a third. My body isn't becoming a recycling ground for copper. Copper thieves are not busting down the door to dissect me. It's time for the ol' snip. Get ready I'm making you an appointment. You can deal with a small snip and maybe a tiny stitch. I'll spare any and all jokes of "extra stitches".
It's time.
Prepare. we come!

Your fertile wife, whose alternative is to go all Michelle Duggar and birth kids until they just fall out.

Ps. There's no chore exception while healing. I might have some of those chill/ice pack-maxi pads left. You can wear one of those while you do the dishes.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

3/17/13 weekly reflections


1. It's amazing how many times my children need told to clean their rooms before they actually do it.
2. An entire Sunday can be wasted watching 'Myrtle Manor' and 'Gypsy's' on TLC.
3. Easter is in 2 weeks...what?
4. Where in the hell is the Lamb, because I'm done with this March Lion.
5. Mismatched socks multiply daily.
6. When you think something is lost and forever gone, it just might show up.

That's it for this week! What's some reflections you have?

Monday, March 11, 2013

3/10/13 weekly reflections


1. It's ridiculous the number of times I run to Scottdale's Dollar General in a week.
2. TSA is now allowing small knives on their planes. How stupid.
3. A bonfire makes me crave beer.
4. Spring needs to come in full force.
5. Chickens molting is gross.... I thought they had a funky skin disease.
6. I don't think my dogs would ever protect me...they might lick someone to death, but my cat would take someone out! (as proof by a poor dog that came in my yard!)

That's all for the week. Let's hope for spring temps and sunshine!!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

3/3/13 weekly reflections


I missed the 2/24/13 week because of the stomach bug. I didn't need to relearn how bad the flu was.

1. I know I teach my kids about the environment and to recycle. This was proven by my son's comment, while watching Wipeout, "this is a huge waste of water!"
2. Everytime I'm in a large public setting with many people, I yearn for a flash mob to occur.
3. It never rains on The Walking Dead. Also no one ever goes to the bathroom.
4. I can not stand when my kids lips are dry. It drives me nuts. I keep trying to make them be obsessed with chap stick like I am, but they just aren't doing it.
5. Tis' the season of mud.
6. If you live in Confluence/Somerset Co and you are the police chief, don't post pictures like this on your Facebook!

That's all for this week!