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Monday, January 30, 2017

Once upon a time there was a chicken

Once upon a time there was a boy. Girl liked boy. Boy liked girl. 

Girl and boy went for long rides and shared stories of their lives. 

Once upon a time girl introduced boy to a chicken. A chicken named Beyoncé that was bought by a fellow blogger instead of a purchase of bathroom towels her husband didn't agree with. Girl already loved that big metal chicken. Boy fell in love too. 

A metal chicken love story was born. 

Confused? See the original Beyoncé the metal chicken/cluck, cluck mother f'er story here:

Girl never gave up hope that one day she'd own a big metal, rusty chicken. She dreamed of that fabulous, sharp, weapon like structure to place carefully in her yard. She'd often hear the door bell ring and just pray she'd answer it to a 'knock, knock mother clucker'  of her very own. 

Yet girl could only hope and dream. 

But remember, girl met boy and boy liked girl and boy wanted to make girl happy.... 

So along comes their first Christmas. Full of whimsy, and fun. Tinsel hung on the real tree they so carefully picked, cut down, and hauled home. 'Our first Christmas' ornament hung front and center. Gifts unwrapped and paper and boxes thrown out the back door onto the fresh Pennsylvania mud (you can't expect snow in this story). 

Then came a knock at the front door. Kids all pause in confusion as the electric sex leg lamp from Christmas story has already arrived therefore what other 'fra-gil-e' package could it be? Boy simply smiles and waits. 

Now normal girls would think it's a magical proposal scheme or company...both of which she would be pissed because she's still in her pajamas with her hair all over her head from night before. But not this girl....this girl was all 'could it be?!' 

Girl creeps to door gracefully like an angel in her adorable matching nightgown and robe....kidding! Girls trips and stumbles through boxes and wrapping paper yelling, 'who the hell comes to the front door' while in her old Christmas pj's that have ham juice spilled on them from throwing it in the oven.  

Girl opens and pauses. 

And like a light from heaven shown down at that very moment. There sat a 4 ft. 11 inch metal, rusty chicken. With its tail feathers shaped like a shiv and it's beak promising to cause stitches and a need for a tetanus shot. Girl flung open the door, hugged that chicken, as tears fell from her eyes. Girl dragged that chicken in the family room. No chicken of hers will withstand the Pennsylvania season of mud and cold rains. No metal chicken of hers will be exposed to the harsh conditions of 60 degrees one day, 10 degrees the next. 

Metal chicken has graced girl's life like a long lost love. Girl has named said chicken Bocephus. No country chicken of hers will carry a pop singers name.  Bocephus has been the new love of her life. She has danced with him and kissed him on New Years. She's gently dusted him weekly. She thought of making an alter for the chicken and leaving presents for him and lighting candles around him but girl feared people would not understand. 

Now boy sits and wonders to himself if he lost girls true love forever to a rusty metal object that she stares so aw-struck at daily. Boy sees glisten in her eye as she talks to the chicken. 

A country chicken love story has developed. Where it goes from here one can only imagine....let's just hope girl comes to her senses soon and agrees to put the chicken outside in the spring. 

Boy loves girl but boy will not tolerate the rusty metal chicken sitting between them on the couch! 

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I used to be......

I used to be...... 

I used to be a blogger. I liked blogging. It was my thoughts and feelings. 

I used to be a kick ass mom. Now I'm just a mom getting by with kick ass kids that sometimes parent themselves. 

I used to be a chicken those chickens just are there and are slacking in egg productivity. I used to spend hours with them and stress over egg production. 

I used to be a wife. I think I was a good wife. I did my best even on bad days. 

I used to be a social worker. I think I was good at social working, now I just need my own therapist. 

I used to be a daughter in law and sister in law. That ended too unfortunately. 

I used to be a school volunteer. Now all those kiddos get on my nerves. 

I used to be a painter. Now my bathroom has needed to be finished painting and furniture has long been destroyed. 

I used to be a runner. Now I can't usually find two tennis shoes to match. 

I used to be a Girl Scout leader. Now I can't even remember the days Girl Scouts is. 

I used to be.....  

I used to be......

While many, many things have changed in my life, I continue to be me. I have feelings and emotions, even as much as I try to deny them. 

I don't think I can get back to who I was ever, but I'll evolve and change. I will not quit. I will change and be better than ever. I'm letting who I was go.....I'm me and I won't stress over the 'who I used to be'. I will just restart with 'I am'. 

Monday, March 14, 2016

What I learned 3/13/16

What I learned 3/13/16 
1. Sunday night is a bad night to do these. I often forget. (Ps...this was written Monday. I'll cough this day up in next weeks blog to not learning anything.) 
2. I don't understand people who don't like being outside. 
3. Peach BlueMoon beer is ridiculously good. 
4. I might need an AA sponsor. 
5. My children are trying to hook my sister in law and I up with rich brothers. I'm game!...know anyone?? 
6. When people have more than two kids do they ever get a chance in their home to have zero emotion, moody kids. 
7. People apparently hate when I'm tired. I'm much more sarcastic. 
8. Who thought of this time change bullshit anyway. Good grief momma needs her sleep. 
9. I really need a job if for no other reason than socialization with other adults and take lunches. 
10. I'm done with school for the kids this year. It can be summer break. I hate mornings. 

That's all this week. It was pretty boring. Until next week....

Sunday, March 6, 2016

3/6/16 what I learned this week.

3/6/16. What I learned. 

1. My children have no sympathy when I have a headache. 
2. Correction to number 1: my children have no sympathy when I have a headache that isn't related to drinking. 
3. Next time I have a headache I should just start drinking. 
4. Number 3 is an excellent lesson. 
5. Have I told you yet how much my friends and family rock? Two surprise parties--two? 
6. Never be the one of leave in the middle of a comedians set. Poor Michelle! 
7. Just the mention of a 70 degree day in the week has me all smiley. 
8. My plan is to go back to work in August when the kids go back to school. Can I die of boredom before then? 
9. Is boredom a diagnosis-able condition? 
10. Are the bad choices I make as a result of number 9 diagnosis-able?! 
11. Am I just fucking crazy? 
12. All signs point to yes for number 11. 

That's all for this week folks. Tune in next Sunday for this train wreck/shit show!! Until ya! 😘

Creepy wink confirmation photo. 

My friends think the best of me. 

Poor Barbie had on no panties.--maybe I didn't either. You'll never know! 

Not only am I surprised with a party at a comedian show, I won the 50/50! 

No nights complete without the drunk selfie. 

Sunday, February 28, 2016

What I learned 2/28/16

What I learned. 2/28/16 

1. It's rare that I can truly be completely surprised. This weekend for my birthday I was. 
2. It's confirmed once again that I have the best friends and family. 
3. If I am off work much longer I will have every room in my house repainted and redone. 
4. At 40 I really need to decide what I'm going to do when I grow up. 
5. These spring weather teasers are killing me. It just need to come full force and have no more snow. I def have spring fever. 
6.  My kid bought me a card that said Happy 70th Birthday. He's no longer my favorite! 
7. I forgot how much I need to go to the chiropractor on a regular basis. 

That's it for this week. What did you learn? Share with me!! 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

What I learned. 2/14/16

What I learned 2/14/16. 

1. The anticipation of my first single Valentines Day sucks more than actual day. 
2. My friends are the greatest at keeping me happy and smiling. 
3. Happy and smiling is the only way to heal I'm certain. Like magic medicine. 
4. Cold weather I can take, snow I can take. Combine them both-I'm miserable. 
5. Laying on the floor on a Friday, drinking wine in the afternoon alone might be the greatest sahm deal ever! 
6. Ash Wednesday to non-Catholics takes an immense amount of pressure to remember not to tell someone they have dirt on their face. 
That's all for this week. Stay warm! 

Obligatory I got gifts on Valentine's Day pictures. 

Girl child's loot: 

Does this little guy have game or what?!  


Sunday, February 7, 2016

What I learned 2/7/16

What I learned 2/7/16 
1. Girl child's embarrassed by my music choices at morning drop off at school. She has no idea I jam out to Eminem at pick up while waiting in line. 
2. I am a horrible speller and so is Aiden. Neither of us realized how often we would ask Rich how to spell things. Thankfully Amelia inherited the super smart speller gene and spells things for us. Yes she is in 4th grade and spells better than me!! 
3. i think Botox is an excellent 40th birthday gift to yourself! #cheaperthanaboobjob 
4. I don't think I'll ever be able to go into a hospital again without feeling complete anxiety. 
5. The kids can trash a house within 30 minutes of being home or awake. Like mud tracked in, laundry thrown, book bag and shoes everywhere, crumbs/cups...mess. 
6. I will laugh at myself over anything. 

It's a small learning week. I mean look those are some mighty fine lessons I've realized this week! What have you learned?